Continuing efforts to overcome fissures and seeking integration in my identity, I would like to tackle professional fissures. I post here an attempt: a page from a new project, an archive (Beta version). (I am inspired by the exhibit of Valie Export's archive currently running at the Lentos Museum in Linz.)
The work involves the recording of a young soloists concert I conducted on 22 June 1986. On the program was Ambroise Thomas' Aria (based on Goethe's text) "Connais-tu le pays" [Do you know the land] (hear Marilyn Horne on YouTube). Here I use it to express Heimweh for my profession.
Do you know the country where the orange flowers bloom?
The land of golden fruit and crimson roses,
Where the breeze is fresh and the birds fly in the light,
Where in any season bees are seen foraging,
Where radiant smiles are a blessing from God,
An eternal spring under a deep blue sky!
... / ...
Alas! Why can I not follow you
To this happy shore, here the fates have exiled me!
There it is! This is where I want to live,
Love, love and die!
Connais-tu le pays où fleurit l'oranger?
Le pays des fruits d'or et des roses vermeilles,
Où la brise est plus douce et l'oiseau plus léger,
Où dans toute saison butinent les abeilles,
Où rayonne et sourit, comme un bienfait de Dieu,
Un éternel printemps sous un ciel toujours bleu!
Hélas! Que ne puis-je te suivre Vers ce pays lointain d'où le sort m'exila!
C'est là! c'est là que je voudrais vivre,
Aimer, aimer et mourir!
And Something Old ... The Personal Is Political
Autobiographical note: After stipends, diplomas from best schools and 25 years of professional activity, I'd never had a 'position' as conductor, nor earned more than 12.000 DM in a year from conducting. At 43, and after pneumonia, hearing loss and long periods of illness, I faced a disagreeable reality: Conducting offered me no financial basis for the future. I took a desk job at a music publisher and shortly thereafter conducted my last concert. For the following 10 years I had nightmares of loss. And from beginning to end, I never ceased hearing the question, "Can a woman really conduct?" Was I a bad conductor?
Women will be equal to men when a mediocre woman can achieve as much as a mediocre man. (I thought this was a quote from a second-wave feminist, but I can't find a reference. If you have one, please let me know.)